Sporadic

Well, so, I’m about to be 40. The 66% complete mark of my father’s life. The 48% complete mark of my grandfather’ on one side and 67% complete of the other. It’s a time to reassess. I’m a mid-level tech project manager working on web projects that will have to be re-done in between 2 months to 2 years by people who I hope are not me. That’s the nature of the web, imperminance is the rule. I get it. However, this is not what I envisioned for myself. Let’s go back and get the skinny on how me at a variety of other ages thought we’d turn out:

4- Fireman: Look at them! The trucks are shiny! The sirens are nifty! I don’t know what they do, but that whole truck / siren thing looks like it’s about the coolest thing on the planet. I want to have a fireman on my cake this year!

7- Han Solo:  Luke is awesome, but c’mon… Han has a blaster and drives a space ship. Luke is basically his bitch. Everytime Luke gets into trouble Han has to dig him out. Greg told me that there’ll be 9 movies in total. If we see one movie every three years it’ll be 2000 when they’re done. We’ll be seeing the last one at the age of 30! 30!?! Who’s 30? Oh like I don’t even think my mom’s that old. That’s like a million years from now. Let’s go kill water striders in the creek!

13- Shut up! I’m not growing up! You’re stupid. Leave me alone!

15-Astronaut: Okay. Han Solo doesn’t exist. If we want to go into space, we’re gonna need to learn how to fly fighter jets like Buzz Aldren. Maybe join the Air Force? I hear that if you have anything less than 20/20 vision that they basically send you to hanger and hand you a wrench. I can still be one. I’ll figure it out. The world is my oyster.

19- Hemingway: I read books! I wrote important sounding short stories! I drink! We sit around the cube at Bethany and talking about important deep things. We like Hemingway! We’re gonna be just like him in the 20’s! Maybe not Hemingway. Maybe I’m gonna be Eugene O’Neal. No matter! Why choose? We’re all gonna be famous writers! Kids are gonna hafta study Us!

22- Reporter: I’ll write about war zones! I’ll have a column like Dave Berry! I’ll settle in around 40 and work on that first novel like Voneguet did. Newspapers are never going anywhere! Let’s start a ‘zine!

24- How the F@#$ should I know what I’m gonna be? Maybe I’ll own a record store or something? You gonna pass that thing over or just bogart it all yourself.

27- Retired: This Internet thing is never going away and I’m gonna make like a gazillion dollars for ever. It’s gonna be the freight train to awesometown from here on out. I’m gonna hit some start up and then just sit back a travel. Yup! I’ve got this thing licked.

28- Famous Comedian: The bronx is a freight train to the big time baby! Robin Williams opened for us!  We’re touring and stuff. We’re funny all the time. Pass me that Jack and let’s write some funny sh!t and we’ll perform it and people will say we’re awesome!

30- Doomed/ Poor House/ Street Vagrant: This internet thing is never coming back. We’re completely ruined. I am gonna live out here in a shack in the woods forever. This pooch is screwed. Expect nothing. get nothing. Maybe I should develop a meth habit?

35- Middle Management: Okay. We’re fine. You’re not destitute. Things don’t suck. Just ride this thing out. Put a couple dollars away. Retire at 67 and then fritter the rest of your days away until the sweet embrace of death. You have friends! They’ll come by. You’re fine. Just sit tight.

39- Shut up! I’m not growing up! You’re stupid. Leave me alone!

I hope you enjoyed that trip though my failings to fulfill my own perceived promise as much as I did. 2 weeks from now we’ll see how it works out. I’ll keep you posted.