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Sporadic » 2009 » May

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Archive for May, 2009

Holiday Schedule (pronounced Shed-yule)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Memorial day is coming up. It’s one of our few American holidays. It’s the same as what the Europeans call “Bank Holidays”, however they get on average 10 holidays to our 1. I thought as a service to Americans everywhere I’d let you know what the 10 European holidays that will be place up against memorial day so that at least we can stay informed and not seem so provincial

  1. Cheese rolling day
  2. Say heeeeelllllo00000 to the queen day
  3. Guy Faulkes Day
  4. We still own the colonies day
  5. Hey we’re French day (every second Thursday)
  6. Surrenderance Day (France only)
  7. Pope day
  8. Double pope day
  9. Fat guy with a monocle day
  10. What were we*just* talking about day (Amsterdam only)

You are not alone

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

So my employer*, announced the second round of layoffs today. I think ** I made the cut. I am however, willing to be wrong about that.  The thought of layoffs in this economy is scary as hell and so I have devised a scale by which you can measure your own personal disasters. This will help all of us feel like we’re part of more global perspective.

so here, from best to wost is the Personal Disaster Index or PDI

  1. Walk in spring time holding hands with the one you love
  2. Walk in springtime by yourself
  3. Walk in springtime holding hands with someone who you are about to break up with when you get to that park bench 10 feet from here
  4. Scabby rash
  5. Food poisoning
  6. Broken collar bone
  7. Deciding to move to Alaska without supplies and then further deciding to eat those potato seeds with the stripes
  8. Sucking chest wound
  9. Train accident, where you are either a.) the train or b) the person under the train
  10. Clockwork orange treatment watching Myriah Carey’s movie “Glimmer”

Hopefully this helps you rate the stuff that’s wrong with your life in a way that’s both easy and numeric.

* who let’s just call Macrosquishy

** fingers crossed eyes closed tight

The balloon and the contract with the universe

Monday, May 4th, 2009

Today, may the 4th,  is “Star Wars day” which doesn’t make any sense until you have someone say it out loud to you.

Actually try it yourself. Say it out loud, don’t just say you’re gonna say it and assume that because I’m just some blinking text on your screen I won’t notice, you seriously will not get the joke until you actually talk.

did you do it?

May the forth be with you!

It’s so dorky and hysterical. Okay huge  seagueway….

So the real topic of discussion is the blue balloon and San Francisco drivers.

There was this blue balloon that was across from Delores Park this weekend, not a helium balloon, just the regular kind of blow it up yourself kinda balloon. It’s a little bigger than your standard party balloon, maybe the size of a prize winning pumpkin. It’s robin’s egg blue like maybe it came from a baby shower*.

 I was driving back from dropping Jon off after the baseball game.** The Balloon is just rolling around in the center of 18th and church. Slowly moving from one lane to the other. This was the weird thing: people were avoiding running it over.

I was three back at the stop sign so I got to watch 6  or 8 different drivers trying to avoid this balloon, all the while anxious for my turn cause I am totally gonna run this thing over.

Every time someone drives by the wind from their car slightly changes the balloon position, so for me to get to hit it without screwing up traffic patterns is gonna take some magic. I watch and will the balloon to be on my side***, I am calling on the universe to let me pop this balloon.

However, the universe had other plans for that balloon, because right before I get my turn a Muni-train comes by and brings with it a gusty breeze****. The balloon is carried well into the park and my chance to pop a balloon with my truck is removed.

I think, though, that because the universe seems to be honoring contracts these days, that there will be another balloon or maybe and box filled with pudding or a plastic bag full of streamers and glitter***** that will be in my way soon enough.

I can wait. You hear that universe?

* It’s a boy!

**Giants 1 to 0 in the bottom of the 10th– it was the smallest of ball. And Zito didn’t pitch bad despite not getting the win.

*** I saw Neko Case “in conversation” and she mentioned buying a bunch of pianos on craigslist. This makes me decide I want to be the kind of person that owns a piano. Jody said that when you “put something into the universe” it just happens. So right after that someone is selling an upright piano across the street. Sadly by the time I got back from running Jen home someone had bought it, which is fine, cause now the universe knows and I will run across another one.

**** Cool things that rhyme with gusty breeze: lusty fleas, Dusty please! , musty crease, trusty trees, klutzy knees and crusty sneeze

***** In San Francisco I am certain there’s more than 1 bag of streamers and glitter. Actually my guess is that there’s probably 1 bag of streamers and glitter per every ten residents of the 7 by 7.