Sporadic

I have a client who has a quote in his sig file from Glengarry Glen Ross. It’s a play, written by David Mamet about a million years ago. It won the Pulitzer prize. Everyone’s seen the movie, some have seen the play and a couple people have been in it.

If you have a scrap of humanity, this play/movie makes you both hate and feel terrible for anyone who’s chosen sales as a career.  It, like Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller, ultimately shows the slippery slope that anyone who lives in a capitalistic society lives on. For one person to get ahead, it’s usually on the bones of another person. The play is haunted by monsters and little guys that get eaten by monsters or become monsters themselves.

That’s not what I’m actually talking about though.

So for some unknown reason this play has also been co-opted by a certain kind of douche-bag who sides with the monster and sees the play as a motivational speech. I feel confident that my client, who is otherwise a nice guy, is not going to read this….but I think he’s that kind douche-bag.

The quote he chose was “Second place is a set of steak knives”- the full quote is “As you all know, first prize is Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody wanna see second prize? Second prize’s a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? ” It’s about the evilest quote in the play. The second evilest is “Coffee is for closers” .

But anyway, like I said- that’s not what the bliggity blog is about. I was running and I started thinking about how I might be able to make that evil shit funny. So below is my first attempt. Apologies to Mr Mamet.

***

Blake: Let me have your attention for a moment! ‘Cause you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…[puts out his cigarette]…bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch don’t want to buy land, somebody don’t want what you’re selling, some broad you’re trying to screw, so forth. Let’s talk about something important. [to John Williamson] Are they all here?

John: All but one.

Blake: Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important! [to Shelley] Put that coffee down!! Coffee’s for closers only. [Shelley scoffs] You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here for Mitch and Murray. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levine?

Shelley: Yeah.

Blake: You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?

Dave: I don’t gotta listen to this shit.

Blake: You certainly don’t, pal. ‘Cause the good news is you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you’ve got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting with tonight. Starting with tonight’s sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody wanna see second prize? Second prize’s a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? Fourth place is a set of drinkware! You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. The drinkware is nice- kinda like Tupperware but better for when you’ve got nice guests. Get their names to sell them! Fifth place is you’re fired. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks, pal, and beat it ’cause you’re going out!!!

Shelley: The leads are weak. Wait, there’s a fourth place?

Blake: The leads are weak. Fuckin’ leads are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years.

Dave: What’s your name? Did you say fifth place? There are only three of us.

Blake: FUCK YOU, that’s my name!! You know why, mister? ‘Cause you drove a Yugo to get here tonight, I drove an $80,000 BMW. That’s my name!!

Shelly: Your name is “I dove an 80 thousand dollar BMW?” What nationality is that?

Blake:  [to Shelley] And your name is “you’re wanting”. And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t close them. [at a near whisper] Then go home, home and tell your wife your troubles. [to everyone again] Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line, which is dotted! You hear me? Because 6^th place is you get to have sex with Levine’s wife!

Shelley: Hang on… who wins 6^th place? What if I do? That would be nice.

Blake: [Blake flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and ILTAC] A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!  I-L-T-A-C. I Like Tea and Cake. I- I as you as in yourself. L- like as in you enjoy something. Tea- It’s a drink. It’s fucking drink with jam and bread. Do you sad sacks not even know what tea is? Jesus. C- Cake. It’s fucking cake people. You think they came in to get outta the rain? You think that some fuck left your cake out in the rain? A guy don’t walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. Cause it took so long to bake it and you fucks will never have the recipe again. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?

Dave: Incredible.

Blake: [to Moss] What’s the problem, pal? You. Moss. [Blake sits down.]

Dave: You’re such a hero, you’re so rich. How come you’re coming down here waste your time with such a bunch of bums?

Blake: You see this watch? [Blake takes off his gold watch.] You see this watch?

Dave: Yeah.

Blake: That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. You see the big hand? Where is it?

Dave: It’s on the 5.

Blake: Yeah it’s on the 5. Now where’s the little hand?

Dave: It’s on the 2.

Blake: So what time is it?

Dave: Time for …

Blake: It’s time to Close!!You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don’t like it, leave. You like it a little, come out with me later and I’ll show you my wang.  I can go out there tonight, the materials you got, make myself $15,000! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Or you can come with me and make like $25 for 10 mins work involving some lotion provided by the hotel and your gumption … oh and your hand.  Go and do likewise! A-B-C! Activate boron contraption. Get mad! I-L-T-A-C. Like italic only spelled right. You son of a bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell real estate? [He pulls something out of his brief case. He is holding two brass balls on string] It takes brass balls to sell real estate.

Shelly: Are those benwa balls? I think you can buy them in Chinatown. What do we use them for?

Dave: I think your wife knows, and I’m ready to come in #6.

Shelly: (to Dave) You know there’s only three of us, right?

Blake:  The money’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it’s yours. If not, you’re gonna be shining my dick. And you know what you’ll be saying, bunch of losers, sitting around in a bar. [in a mocking weak voice] “Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it’s a tough racket.”

Dave: It *is* a tough racket. Also, did you just ask me for a hand job?

Blake:  [He takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase.] These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. [He hands the stack to John Williamson.] They’re for closers like the coffee and Levine’s wife. I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. [to Moss as he puts on his watch again] And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fuckin’ ass ’cause a loser is a loser.