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Sporadic» Blog Archive » Salutations: Journeys

Salutations: Journeys

I am blogging my readings for the salutations series, held at Green Apple books in the Inner Sunset.

The theme for this letter was Journeys.

The set up is this: Lots of people know that St Paul the Apostle wrote a ton of letters to the Corinthians. Not a lot of people know that the Corinthians wrote back . Here is one of those letters


Paul T Apostle

The Holy Roman Empire

Rome, Not Italy Yet


Cephas Of Corinth

Corinth, Mostly Greece


Dear Paul,


Thanks for your abundant correspondence. It’s nice to hear from you and we’re always interested in your perspective. It’s also nice that you might be swinging by for a visit. I’ll tell Saul to ready his extra donkey loft.

We also wanted to say that while we’re always happy to get letters and love it when you stop by, there’s something that’s been on our minds. I know this might be hard to hear, but this whole ‘Jesus’ thing is getting to be a bit much. It was all that you talked about in the last letter, dude. Rome’s got to have something going on, you know? A new lunch spot? It’s like the biggest city in all of civilization. There must be something there that doesn’t involve you talking about the bread of life for like the 15th time. Maybe there’s a chess club or something? Or some art stuff? It’s not that we’re not appreciative that you’re interested in our little town but the letters feel, well, preachy.

Speaking of that, the last time you were here Stephan said that he tried to show you his new plow and all the work he did in the further fields but you just kept telling him about the gospel of Christ Jesus. We get it. We’re only babies in his holiness, as you keep saying, we must rise into the light of the lord…we know… but Stephan was really excited about the new plow. You could have said “Great plow, Steve. Good job on the further field. You really plowed the heck out of it. Man, you’re gonna have some great crops this year. <beat> Also, on a completely separate topic… Have you heard about how the spirit of the lord our God lives in man?” And he’ll say “uh, yeah” and then you can both move on.

It would have really been a menschy thing to do, you know? He worked hard on the plowing.

As you promised, your son Timothy’s has arrived, he got here last Friday. He brought those scrolls you asked us to store in the special scroll locker you helped us build over by the Dead Sea. He, too, been very clear about the gospel of the word of life. Very, very clear.  I’m not going to say he won’t shut up about it, but I will say he does not speak about much else.

Petrach thinks he might be a little slow. We told him that thing you said about how “God protects even the littlest birds upon the tree” and asked him to go count the chickens to make sure they were protected. Alphonse keeps hiding extra chickens in his room so that Tim stays busy- more chicken counting, less the tree of life.

Phillip has asked that I clear a few things up about the whole section of the letter you wrote about him. We know you’re writing these letters just to us, and it doubtful that anyone else is going to ever see them, but even still, he doesn’t want it getting out that he’s “fornicating with his father’s wife”.  Because, well, he’s not.

Seriously that would be creepy….Ethel is like a second mother to Phil. Especially since his own mother was accidentally brutally hoofed to death during the annual running of the goats festival three years ago.

The real story of what you called “abominations unto the lord” is considerably less naughty than what you implied. As you know Ethel’s a little on the young side for Phil’s dad… and good for him by the by… but occasionally Ethel likes to get away from the harvest and the plentiful goat work and cut loose.

Phil invited Ethel to a manger dance a couple weekends ago, you know to unwind and have a little fun, up in Achaia. Nobody turned water into wine, but let’s just say they didn’t need to because there was plenty of regular wine. Anyway Phil and Ethel may have been a little …uh…shall we say…over served and they ending up passing ou…taking a nap… under the same wagon. Yes, they were technically “sleeping” together but not in the “biblical sense” and that’s straight from Ethel.  No one was “associating with sexually amoral people” but Phil did say the Achaians had some of the greatest oregano he’s ever smoked.

About the oregano, we sent Marcus back up to Achaia to trade for some. He came back with a ton, they love the goat fudge we make in Achaia. We’ll send some of the extra oregano with the next letter. You’re gonna completely dig this stuff.

It makes the whole short story John wrote about the apocalypse an amazing read. We are thinking of doing a dramatic reading of the story next weekend with plenty of wine and oregano. You should see if you can make it down. Petrach does the whole thing with different voices and acts part of it out. He even has voices for the horses of the apocalypse. Man. There’s no way I could it explain it but it’s hysterical. Afterward we’ll have a feast, because the oregano make most of us hungry. Chloe will make hummus.

Okay. I guess that’s all. Things are great here since we got this really shiny golden calf statue. KIDDING! Just trying to get your goat! Kid… goat? Goat! Get it? Man, I should do some of this stuff at Eurpides weekly Improv show at the Apollo. It would kill.

Anywho. Like I said it was great hearing from you. Hope everything is super in Rome.


Best wishes,


All of us here in Corinith



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