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Salutations: Transformations

Friday, April 14th, 2017

So the Salutations series begins with a conceit, which is that it’s a series of letters written aloud. I started from a place where I rejected the first conceit because I’ve never saved letters. I have always written something fresh for each round of this series- writing with the idea that it’s a letter, but always crafting it fresh. This time the theme was “Transformations” and I thought it would be fun to explore the idea that someone was writing a letter to their future self about a transformation.

The problem was I had too many ideas and I wanted to use them all so I needed a way to shorten the letter. I arrived at a second conceit which was I would write them as transformative haikus.  That way I could get as many as I wanted without taking too much time.

When I read this allowed the audience to guess the transformation- but here I can’t really do that so I’ll give them to you with titles the way I wrote them.

 

Transformers

Regular Peterbilt

Uh Oh! Alien Invasion

Optimus Prime

Bonds

Talented Hitter

So many illegal drugs

Big head homerun king

Recycle

Fruit juice container

Trip to blue bin Valhalla

Now I’m a nice rug

Glass

Sands through the hourglass

With some heat, limestone and time

Sands through the hour me!

114th congress

I’m just a bill

Who’s that? Oh Mitch McConnell

Still just a bill

Hurricane

Hot wind off Africa

Late august Caribbean sea

Hot damn I’m cat 5

Chicken

Cold naked bird

Egg dredge, flour wash, hot oil bath

MMMM great with waffles

Trump

5th time I’m bankrupt

Russia, Fox, and lotsa yelling

First orange president

Butterfly

Weird furry worm

Chillin’ in a sweet tree sack

Woohoo butterfly

 

 

 

Our 2016 Holiday Card Letter

Monday, January 16th, 2017

Dearest Captive Audience,

Well looka there. Another year in the books. I know you’ve gotten used to these letters being full of the “big reveal” …we got engaged, we got married, The Giants/ Warriors won something big and we attended, and this year’s no different…. we’re moving to Japan! <beat> I’m kidding of course. I put that in just to annoy Joanne[1].

It appears that some years are just…well… years. I know the internet has told you that 2016 sucked and in some ways it did, a lot of cool famous people died, some cool not famous people died, and America elected a guy, whose biggest accomplishment so far was being a buffoon on reality TV and only losing some of the money he got from his Dad, President.  But on the grand scheme, 2016 was…fine.

Some part of me suspects that unless California builds a wall to keep out the ‘Murica, that I will be writing next year’s letter from a smoking crater and I’ll have to clear everything with our Russian overlords or Herr Komandante Trump[2], but check in with us after January 20th.

Here in lovely San Francisco we enjoyed a pretty good year. We went to some shows, we saw some baseball, we did some fun things, we kept it real- except for the times when it was important for it not to be real and we paddled our raft forward into the river of time.

Nicole still has the same job at DoubleDutch, it sent her to some interesting places this year, the Philippines, Amsterdam, Phoenix[3]. Her trips to Amsterdam seem have the most promise to turn into another thing, like we’ll pair that with something else like Iceland[4] or <place>[5].

I still have the same job at RevJet and it sent me far less interesting places like Chicago, Atlanta, Detroit. Despite the fact that Detroit continues to be an easy punchline, I thought it seemed like a city that was trying to get it’s feet back. I’m not saying we’re packing for Michigan, I’m just saying- good for you Detroit, but try to play nice with Flint.

We kept our membership at some organizations- SF Jazz[6], Sf Bike Coalition[7], Cal Academy of Science (because: Science!) and we let some organizations lapse- A.C.T.[8], The Green Party[9]. This past month we joined a lot of things out of fear: The ACLU, The Human Rights Coalition, The Environmental Defense Council, Lambda Legal, The Courage Campaign and sent money to a lot of places[10].

We ran a lot less than we normally do this year- we ended up only doing 3 half marathons Berkeley, Santa Rosa and Morgan Hill. 2016 was the year that work schedules made us fat. The Morgan Hill marathon was a treat, but not for the Marathon, for accommodations. We stayed with Fran and Ron and they were excellent hosts[11]. They took us wine tasting and cooked us delicious pasta for the carbo-load the night before the race. Also, as with all the classy establishments, our stay came with a gift bag and a bottle of wine.

Vacations were short and to the point because with my new job I only got 2 weeks and I used a little more than half of that visiting Cora and Asher. Including a trip in the middle of summer where the temperature outside crested 100 with something like 600% humidity[12]. Other than that, we went to places we could drive for the weekend[13] like Paso Robles and Guerneville.

We went to Vegas over Halloween to see Annetta, Bob, Barbara and Jim. This year we placed only two bets: I lost on the Cubs and Nicole won on the Indians. Barbara didn’t win big on her slot tournament, but everyone had a good time and it seems like it’s becoming a thing we do, so if you want to Vegas it up we’ll be there next Halloween. One of the days we are planning on *doing* Vegas- like shows and shots and giant plastic frozen drinks[14], so that should be…um…a thing.

Some of our biggest excitement was a recent trip to Yosemite. On New Years 2016 we sat in and watched Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ eve with his replacement, Whatsisname McHaircutt, while we were doing that we talked about what we’d rather be doing. One of the things that came up was that every year at the Ahwahnee(sic) Hotel[15] they do a “gala event” on New Years. So as the new year rolled in we booked the hotel & the gala for New Year’s 2017.

The party was delightful, we made some new friends, we had a great time, the food was reasonable and the whole thing was a great experience. The hotel is amazing, must be seen, and stayed at if you can. The park is… well… it’s Yosemite. It’s absolutely stunning in every direction and never fails to create a sense of awe & wonder no matter how many times you see it.

The new park services provider[16] was less so. You may remember Aramark as the company that ran your college cafeteria and they have lent that kind of service commitment to Yosemite. They renamed all the places[17] like: The Ahwahnee[18] becomes “The Majestic Hotel” and Camp Curry becomes “Half Dome Village” etc. It’s like they were just slapping labels on things “Let’s rename Bridal Veil Falls ‘The Falls at Yosemite’”[19]. The food was on par with everything you ate in college. So if you’re going- skip any food that’s expensive or make it yourself.

Let me explain…no there is too much, let me sum up: Things are fine. Everybody’s well. No big changes. Tip your waitresses. Three orange whips.

 

D & N

Comment Section:

[1] If we moved we’d go to New Zealand

[2] Responses accepted in the comments section below.

[3] Just kidding Phoenix you’re not interesting

[4] My choice

[5] Hers

[6] Great shows- if the Hypnotic Brass Ensemble comes to your town: Do Not Miss It

[7] It’s nice to know that someone is making my commute safer

[8] We fell asleep halfway through a one woman show about the mother of Christ that somehow lapsed into a treatise on which Roman gods were hot

[9] You know we’re normally good for a protest vote but the above mentioned reality TV nutjob was too scary

[10] Planned Parenthood, The Democratic Party and yes, The Green Party

[11] As was Hazel, a dog, who pretended to be a parrot and sat on our shoulders

[12] Soon as those kids are old enough to talk we’re going to discuss moving their birthdays to Early Spring.

[13] Usually places that had wine

[14] Followed by sunglasses, mimosas and a feeling of regret

[15] The big fancy W.P.A. National Park hotel built during FDR’s admin

[16] Aramark

[17] Legal reasons

[18] Miwok meaning: The place of the big mouth

[19] Yawn-wa-nee

Salutations: Journeys

Thursday, December 1st, 2016

I am blogging my readings for the salutations series, held at Green Apple books in the Inner Sunset.

The theme for this letter was Journeys.

The set up is this: Lots of people know that St Paul the Apostle wrote a ton of letters to the Corinthians. Not a lot of people know that the Corinthians wrote back . Here is one of those letters

 

Paul T Apostle

The Holy Roman Empire

Rome, Not Italy Yet

 

Cephas Of Corinth

Corinth, Mostly Greece

 

Dear Paul,

 

Thanks for your abundant correspondence. It’s nice to hear from you and we’re always interested in your perspective. It’s also nice that you might be swinging by for a visit. I’ll tell Saul to ready his extra donkey loft.

We also wanted to say that while we’re always happy to get letters and love it when you stop by, there’s something that’s been on our minds. I know this might be hard to hear, but this whole ‘Jesus’ thing is getting to be a bit much. It was all that you talked about in the last letter, dude. Rome’s got to have something going on, you know? A new lunch spot? It’s like the biggest city in all of civilization. There must be something there that doesn’t involve you talking about the bread of life for like the 15th time. Maybe there’s a chess club or something? Or some art stuff? It’s not that we’re not appreciative that you’re interested in our little town but the letters feel, well, preachy.

Speaking of that, the last time you were here Stephan said that he tried to show you his new plow and all the work he did in the further fields but you just kept telling him about the gospel of Christ Jesus. We get it. We’re only babies in his holiness, as you keep saying, we must rise into the light of the lord…we know… but Stephan was really excited about the new plow. You could have said “Great plow, Steve. Good job on the further field. You really plowed the heck out of it. Man, you’re gonna have some great crops this year. <beat> Also, on a completely separate topic… Have you heard about how the spirit of the lord our God lives in man?” And he’ll say “uh, yeah” and then you can both move on.

It would have really been a menschy thing to do, you know? He worked hard on the plowing.

As you promised, your son Timothy’s has arrived, he got here last Friday. He brought those scrolls you asked us to store in the special scroll locker you helped us build over by the Dead Sea. He, too, been very clear about the gospel of the word of life. Very, very clear.  I’m not going to say he won’t shut up about it, but I will say he does not speak about much else.

Petrach thinks he might be a little slow. We told him that thing you said about how “God protects even the littlest birds upon the tree” and asked him to go count the chickens to make sure they were protected. Alphonse keeps hiding extra chickens in his room so that Tim stays busy- more chicken counting, less the tree of life.

Phillip has asked that I clear a few things up about the whole section of the letter you wrote about him. We know you’re writing these letters just to us, and it doubtful that anyone else is going to ever see them, but even still, he doesn’t want it getting out that he’s “fornicating with his father’s wife”.  Because, well, he’s not.

Seriously that would be creepy….Ethel is like a second mother to Phil. Especially since his own mother was accidentally brutally hoofed to death during the annual running of the goats festival three years ago.

The real story of what you called “abominations unto the lord” is considerably less naughty than what you implied. As you know Ethel’s a little on the young side for Phil’s dad… and good for him by the by… but occasionally Ethel likes to get away from the harvest and the plentiful goat work and cut loose.

Phil invited Ethel to a manger dance a couple weekends ago, you know to unwind and have a little fun, up in Achaia. Nobody turned water into wine, but let’s just say they didn’t need to because there was plenty of regular wine. Anyway Phil and Ethel may have been a little …uh…shall we say…over served and they ending up passing ou…taking a nap… under the same wagon. Yes, they were technically “sleeping” together but not in the “biblical sense” and that’s straight from Ethel.  No one was “associating with sexually amoral people” but Phil did say the Achaians had some of the greatest oregano he’s ever smoked.

About the oregano, we sent Marcus back up to Achaia to trade for some. He came back with a ton, they love the goat fudge we make in Achaia. We’ll send some of the extra oregano with the next letter. You’re gonna completely dig this stuff.

It makes the whole short story John wrote about the apocalypse an amazing read. We are thinking of doing a dramatic reading of the story next weekend with plenty of wine and oregano. You should see if you can make it down. Petrach does the whole thing with different voices and acts part of it out. He even has voices for the horses of the apocalypse. Man. There’s no way I could it explain it but it’s hysterical. Afterward we’ll have a feast, because the oregano make most of us hungry. Chloe will make hummus.

Okay. I guess that’s all. Things are great here since we got this really shiny golden calf statue. KIDDING! Just trying to get your goat! Kid… goat? Goat! Get it? Man, I should do some of this stuff at Eurpides weekly Improv show at the Apollo. It would kill.

Anywho. Like I said it was great hearing from you. Hope everything is super in Rome.

 

Best wishes,

 

All of us here in Corinith

 

 

Salutations: Beginnings

Thursday, December 1st, 2016

I was invited to participate in an interesting writing exercise a couple months back and I’ve now done two.  In the interest of starting a writing project and keeping myself going I’m posting here.

The idea is that people get together at a bookstore and read letters. The whole thing is sponsored by Chronicle books and the first one they held was about beginnings and the most recent one they sponsored was about travel.

To get us started here’s the first letter I wrote for the beginnings event:

Dear Occupant,
I have an offer for you. This is a one time offer. This is an offer so stupendous that we can only
offer it to you. Now. at this time. Through this one time offer letter.
This is the kind of offer that used to come with 12 CDs for just a penny. This is an offer that will
make you will laugh at such a miniscule number of CDs from this point forward. However,
included with this offer you will also find a penny, just in case.
As with any great offer, we should inform you that this offer may make others jealous. Make
friends turn against you. Make people you don’t know look upon you with envious scorn. Make
women throw themselves at you. Make men throw themselves at you. You, my friend, will soon
know your way around the sort of one sided admiration reserved for Brad Pitt or people who
look a great deal like Brad Pitt. Tape this offer to your stomach and then never do another sit
up. This is our promise to you.
Will this offer make you gasp? Yes. Will this offer make your head spin with disbelief? Of
course. Will this offer make you weep, right there in the lobby of your building next to those
horrible aluminum mailboxes? Perhaps, but let me tell you about the offer.
No, let’s not rush to get to the offer right away. First, you are the only one who truly knows
yourself, in your heart of hearts, in the secret moments you share with only yourself, and
perhaps, the mail. Are you the sort of person that when presented with this kind of show
stopping, life altering offer would cast aside your normally stoic exterior and sob uncontrollably
in front the lady from 6a and the downstairs neighbor who’s been your secret crush for the past
year and a half.
You might. Will you? You should pause to think. Take a breath. Really look into your soul. Ask
yourself, am I that sort of person that when presented with an offer that only a fool would reject,
that only a charlatan would turn aside, who would weep tears of abject joy? if
the answer is
“Yes”. Then you should stop reading right now. Get a hanky. Or the towel you keep in your gym
bag. The one that’s been there, clean, unused for the past week and a half. Get one of those
and hold in your non dominant hand. You don’t want to smudge the ink. Offers returned with
tear smudged ink and null and void and subject to legal action.
Okay.
Are you ready?
Good.
Are you sure you’re ready?
Because this offer, which we are offering, this one time, to a very small group of handpicked
eligible consumers, would befuddle a person who’s anything less than 100% ready. We don’t
want anyone befuddled. Or flummoxed. Or caused undue consternation. The offer will be
revoked instantly to anyone showing signs of befuddlement, which as we all know, can be
detected with a simple blood test.
This offer is available to anyone who lives at this address. Male or female, offer also available to
pets, but not cats, for obvious reasons. Proof that you reside here and are not a cat is required.
If you live at this address, can read and are not a cat, you are subject to this amazing offer. If
you are not alive, please know that while we have a great and abiding respect for members of
our spirit community, this offer is not valid for netheramericans.
If you are dead or have been
dead, please be advised to sign the attached waiver and we will send you some valuable
consolation gifts. Which, while useless to a “living” person, would be of no end of valuableness
to someone negotiating the complexities of a time beyond the mortal coil.
This offer, offered to you and some others like you, is comprehensive and inclusive. The offer
includes a series of suboffers
encompassing, but not limited to: This offer, other offers, and
subsequent offers. This offer comes with a dinner salad or a baked potato. If requested the offer
also comes with a wine pairing for acceptees over the age of 21 in the United States or over the
age of 14 in other countries. If you live in New Jersey or Texas, the wine pairing is mandatory.
This offer is void where prohibited by common law but not by the laws of physics, which you will
soon see as irrelevant.
To redeem the offer you will need to report to the office of offer ofference, which is downtown,
next to the post office. Report to the office between 12 and 2 thursday through sunday. Ask for
Mabel. She will be expecting you. Please wear comfortable shoes and a light windbreaker.
Offer details are available upon request and can be provided at time of offer acceptance.
What are we offering, you ask?
Well, we are are offering, for one, the chance to change the way you perceive perception.
To change the way you acknowledge knowledge.
To change the way you think about thinking.
To give you the chance to enjoy Chai Tea while performing Tai Chi.
You will be both sub and super human simultaneously. You will also be sub and regular marine.
Semper Fi soldier.
You will expect the unexpected.
You will never forget a name.
This is only the tip of the iceberg. You will also get the rest of the iceberg.
The offer is available for a limited time. This offer is available to the first 600 respondents or the
first 500 nonrespondents,
whichever comes first. Respond or don’t respond but do so
immediately.
Use the responder envelope enclosed and respond now. Operators are standing by.
If we reached you in error and you are not the person who we thought we were trying to reach
please feel free to crumple this up and throw it in anger at someone you don’t know. This is
probably for them.

 

Idiocracy… only real

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016

My complete lack of recent contributions to the blog no one reads (mostly because I haven’t posted something since 2014) has motivated me to try and throw myself back into the fray.

I had initially thought about reviewing Fuller House (unwatchable) but then McCovey Chonicles* did it so well I don’t figure I have anything else to add. I thought about rambling on about spring, but…yawn. Something about El Nino? Done.

So I’m stuck with trying to figure out what the s#!t is going on in the presidential race.

What’s weird is that it’s a slightly less than a full year til the election and I’m late to the game, people have been going on about this election since the last time I added something to the Blog. I would contend, however, that I’m getting here just as the world of political theater has entered somewhere between dadaist and absurd.

Here’s what we know:

  • Bizarrely, Donald Trump** is leading despite there being only one person I know***, or have met, or have any connection to that is voicing anything other than shock and fear about this guy. It’s odd because even in the insular California liberal world I have created for myself I remember at least a few folks who were supporters of Mittens (other than my mom) during the last rodeo.  How is this guy leading? Who is voting for him? No one is a supporter-he’s been parodied effectively: here. here.  even here. also here. I’ve not heard anyone who was not a man on the street with a limited knowledge of world geography, let alone politics say he was “their guy”.
  • Hilary, despite being every liberal’s second choice, is acting like she’s gonna pull this off
  • Bernie, despite being so outside the lines he’s not even coloring anymore, made a really good run

My theory about the Bernie/Hilary thing is a direct relation to the Trump thing, but let’s start with where Trump came from.

Republicans can blame themselves for Trump. They wrote his script. They have been moving the party towards jingoism and middle aged, non-college educated, middle income white dudes who gain nothing from the party of rich folks since Reagan. Look at George W. Bush. They spent his entire presidency convincing us that we didn’t want some fancy pants college smart “east coast liberal”**** in the office, we wanted some down-homey regular Joe who we could have a beer with. They kept denying they were the party of rich folks and selling the “you want low taxes for rich people in case you accidentally get rich” thing. So they acquired lots of racist hillbillies and now those racist hillbillies have found their Trumpy-messiah, incidentally that messiah is not interested in their *actual Messiah*. So now the Republicans have to eat the medicine that the Tea Partiers cooked up, here’s a reality TV star that says all the stupid stuff that they told them to like and the people that they told to like it…LOVE IT.

Further, Trump is suddenly REALLY winning and that changes lots of things on both sides. The Republicans have to start dancing as fast as they can so as not to get their party hijacked. This means pouring a ton of money into Florida for Rubio, or whomever they think might be a more reasonable candidate*****.

Lots of people I know back Bernie. I like Bernie. He’s saying really interesting stuff. He’s saying all the stuff we *want* a politician to say. He wants to do all the stuff we thought wasn’t possible. It’s still not possible- (see Droopy Dog/ Mitch McConnell long term obstructionist plan)- but …man, single payer healthcare? Making the rich pay for the amount of screwing they do? College for free? Giving some rules to the banks? It sounds awesome. And it seems like Bernie would get into office and be just idealistic enough to stick to his values and not compromise. He said something the other day that is emblematic of this “If you start out asking for half a loaf, you end up with crumbs… ask for a full damn loaf, you may actually get something.”

So Bernie has the lefties I hang out with, but the people in the middle, who were ready to throw in behind Bernie have to deal with this new world. “Holy Crap! There’s even an outside chance that a guy who says all this crazy s#!t could be nominated? We’d better go with the establishment, middle of the road, highly electable candidate.” and who would have guessed even 4 years ago that the candidate that best fits that description is Hilary. But it is (Even some Republicans think so).

I think it will bring out the vote for sure.  The people who don’t normally vote for anyone would love to vote for the guy who wants to keep out the Muslims, build walls and is openly misogynistic and racist. Everyone on the left will certainly vote for “anyone but” that guy. It’s bizarre recently I saw that the folks that brought us Idiocracy said it was coming true. I hate that they’re right.

I also wonder if this isn’t some really really long con for Trump? Maybe he’s smarter than we all thought and he’s been cooking this shit up since the late 80’s. The fact that he’s been all over the map politically in his past is one of the things people use to prove that fact.  I think he’s an opportunist. I honestly don”t think he cares what comes out of his mouth as long as he keeps winning. Trump on Losers

Did you see that after Trump started winning the words “move to Canada” spiked on Google and the Canadian Immigration website actually crashed? It’s gonna get weirder before it de-weirds, so strap in.

*Strangely, an SF Giants baseball website

**I hope that you did yourself a solid and have downloaded the Drumpf extension on Chrome so this doesn’t actually say Trump

***Facebook acquaintance

**** Between you and me I want a president so smart I have to look up words to understand ttheir speeches

*****How bats#!t crazy do you have to be for Karl Rove to think you’re unreasonable?

The india Trip

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

Hey folks,

I switched back over to the Travel pod blogging software for the India trip because it has the cool mapping function. Feel free to follow along- the link is in the links along the right side of this blog.

Road Report: The Windy Apple

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

So I’m in Chicago for the first time in my life. It’s odd. The city feels familiar even though I’ve never been here. I chalk that up to the fact that there’s been a ton of TV and movies that I’ve seen that are based here, but it’s more than that.

As I’ve always said, Pittsburgh is the gateway to the midwest and I’ve always used city comparisons to prove that. Pittsburgh is less like Philly and more like Indy.

That comparison stands up here. Admittedly, Chicago is a much bigger city than all the other midwestern mid-markets I’ve been to, but it feels …well… familiar. I keep thinking that Chicago looks like what would happen if New York and Cleveland had a baby.  It’s big and there’s a Irish bar on every other corner, but it’s also friendly and a little self deprecating.  The streets are wide like they are everywhere that never thought that it would ever be any bigger than it was at any given moment. New York is a city built to be a city. It’s got a grid and it’s laid out perfectly. It’s perfectly measured and no space is left un used. Chicago has that classic midwestern oops about it.

I’m not saying Chicago is a bad town because of that, in fact it makes me like it more. One of the things I like about San Francisco, or Pittsburgh is it feels like a city that kind of constantly outgrew itself. You can see where old parts ended and new parts were added. I know city planners would have a cow if they heard me say that but it’s got a kind of charm about it.

I hear that London and Paris are the ultimate of this – probably to the detriment of traffic, but it adds ultimately to the “homey” feel.

I’ll see if I continue to feel that way when I’ve been here slightly longer than 10 hours.

It's a taxi! But It's on the water? It's a water taxi!

I am Ironman (mashup)!

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011
go hipster! go hipster!

It marathon, not a sprint!

Dear Hipster,

How many forms of hipster transport do you require?

You’re pushing your fixie. You have your tiny wheel skateboard strapped, hipster style, to your extra hipster-y messenger bag. You’re headed down into Bart.

Are you running some kind of hipster Ironman?

First we fixed gear bike 15 blocks!

Then we tiny wheel skate 10 blocks!

Then you Bart from 16th & Mission to 19th street Oakland!

Winner gets to tweet about it & upload their YouTube video.

These are the people in your neighborhood.

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

I pass 4 people everyday when I walk from my house to the Bart station.

1. Middle aged lady who kinda looks like an ex-girlfriend’s mother. I noticed the resemblance last winter when I saw her in a jacket. She has the same grey puffy jacket that my ex-girlfrind’s mom had. Similar hair color. She’s the first one I notice and the most consistent. Every day. 8:15. Somewhere between 26th and 24th street. I bet she works at the Hospital. She looks nice. I think I should talk to her.

2. African American woman who looks like the girlfriend from the second season of the Fresh Prince. She’s cute in that kind of mid-eighties braids thing. The only thing is that she’s always yelling at someone on her cell phone. Someone that she’s always very angry at. The things that she’s angry about is unclear but she’s very clever in her insults*. I think I should offer her a big glass of warm milk, that usually calms people down right? I always pass her walking down 24th

3. The woman and her hyperactive 5 year old on their way to the Mission children’s center on Bartlett in between 25th and 24th. The kid has just clearly done a solid hit from some kind of high powered meth. He reminds me of if Bucket were a child. He runs 50 feet in front, hides behind something, then jumps out and runs 50 feet behind. All the while he’s yelling something unintelligible. **

4. The gang bangity looking guy who I think works at the liquor store. He’s got the baggy pants. He’s got the oversize white T-Shirt. he’s got the shaved head. Does anyone ever go into the liquor store? Why can he stand outside? Who shops there? Is it s front?

*”why you gotta be so F%^&in’ undercoverable!”; “”Who do I have to F#$% to get some hair culers that don’t look like doughnuts!”; “Where the F$%^ did you leave my D#$% D#%$#! You keep it up and I’ll F@#$ing S@#$ up your A$$!”

**It’s as if he only ate the marshmallow pieces from lucky charms. He’s lost the capacity for intelligible speech. It’s kinda like “nur nur nur nur nur” at max vol. Somewhere there’s an enormous pile of the oat pieces probably behind the fridge or inside the dog.

Quick Hits: Songs

Saturday, December 5th, 2009

really quick hits:

Have you ever had a song that you didn’t know what it meant and then suddenly you knew. I thought a bunch of them on the way home tonight on BART. Here’s the starter list:

Delta Dawn: Delta Dawn is actually dead

Angel (of the morning): Juice Newton is a huge slut

I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: (2 versions) Mommy is a huge slut

I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: (2 versions) Oh crap! Santa is Daddy!

Excuse me while I kiss the sky: Jimmy hendrex is into some weird stuff

Excuse me while I kiss this guy: <Ibid>

The stroke: Billy Squire is *really* into swimming